Just accept the fucking fact!!!

I'm starting to get piss of with myself now.. I don't know how long should I continue with this life.. Simply just couldn't let go of something that has been over for fucking centuries ago.. Come on!! Get a life... He has moved on is now with another 'ONE'.. What the hell am I thinking? Why the fuck am I still feeling so fucking down? He's not mine anymore!! Aaarrgghhhh!!!!!

I can't believe choosing to come back and getting back with him is such a wrong wrong option for me.. I guess on the dya when I came back if I'm not in contact with him no matter how he msg me, I shouldn't and will not ended up with what I am now.. This is all my fault!!!

My heart is too numbed to accept another guy.. Neither is it ready for another new person to enter.. Or I should say cannot enter at all.. Perhaps his place in me is still strongly there.. No matter how much I've ignored it in days, months or centuries, I can never seem to get rid of it.. Hearing him being able to move on without problem, it does sounds great.. BUt at the same time, I feel the pain in my heart.. Very very deep cut.. I don't know why.. It's something which I can never explain till now..

The Scar Is Opened Once More

Late I don't know what has gotten into me. All I could think about when I have nothing else to do is all about him. Have I not let go of it? I feel like a fool now. How long has it been? From the time you've made your promise to wait, was our official goodbye. It is a year. Yet I've still haven't get over it?

Again second time allowing your love to hurt me? I've done it. And it has now caused the scar you have once left on me to have re-open back. This time, it is more serious. How can I let you come back into my life so easily and it seems so difficult to let you go now? Another gf?

Happily you can be with another girl there but ignored mine? How can all that I've done turned into waste? Yet I still have the urge to want-to-help everytime when I heard you are in trouble.

It's Just Feels Like It Was Yesterday

How funny when you thought you have finally done and over with something, but when you happen to be back in that very same place, every memories of it runs through in your mind like it just happened yesterday..

Standing there has brought back the memory when you were standing there in front of me bidding goodbye, made the promise that you will be waiting back here and support me in every way. All these pleasant memories was just seems like yesterday when I was about to leave.. But just a blink of eyes, everything turned 180 degrees. From a sweet memory to a sour memory.. From a good memory to a rotten memeory.. Everything you have given there and then, has been taken all away with just a snap of your fingers. I wonder how and why?

I admit, I couldn't hold back my tears. I couldn't fight back my emotions. I was weak. And so I let you defeated me once more. The scar in my heart was once again opened. Hurt so painful that I don't know how to describ and I don't think anyone in this world would understand how deep it felt. I may sound stupid on it. But once you are in my situation. Things might just be the same to most of you out there as well.. As it was being said, love is blind. And I've blinded mine from the very day I knew you.

My Volcano

Been back from a foreign country for a long, long time. 7 months now. I do agree it does feels long. Many things (problems) came and gone.. However, there is one that came and had not leave until now. I thought it has all been thrown away and I'm totally cleaned off with it. But as time goes, it seems like I'm over confidence. Too confident in fact.

What I wish while being away was a impossible wish. But it did came through for just awhile. Sweet memories of it. However, this sweet memories with it did not last as I've expected. Once again, it came back to me, but left once more. It killed my heart for the second time now.

No matter how foolishly I made my wish now and then, knowing it will never and can never come again, yet I'm still holding on the hope of that wish. Realizing how foolishly myself had been last time, is now, and will be in the near future, hatred did not come to me on this. No matter how painful it is, I'm still not giving up on myself to continuously.. (could not find words to put in)

I'm not as taugh as you can see with your naked eyes. I'm still human and I'm still a girl with feelings. In this period of time being away, I did learnt to control myself. To not show my emotions to people no matter what. Neither have I spoken to anyone regarding about it and I don't think I will ever want to talk about it.

Feeling is undescribable. No words you can use to say it out in order for the other person to understand or feel what you have gone through, and is going through. People says understand how I feel, what I'm going through, those are bullshits!! Nobody knows how deep that the knife went into my heart, except for myself. I admit, neither will I understand or feel another person's feeling when they tell me especially everything that has to do with the word 'PAIN'.

April my month

These past 3 weeks has been the best weeks of my life ever since I got back from Switzerland.. Seeing him in so much troubles... Seeing him in such a stressful situation, there is nothing I can do to solve.. My heart aches when I see him in these situations..

I don't know if I were to feel happy for being able to help him and support him lately, or should I feel the other way round. I may seem to be the stupidiest girl in the univers, but I don't care.. All I want to do now is just to help and support him in whatever way I can.. No matter how tired I am, I'll still be there whenever he needed help.. No time also I'll try to arrange time. Actually, I ahve a confession to make. This week's off was not Candy who ask for change. Is I the one who ask for the change from Candy. I knew he needed to get his licent this week and I don't want to drag anymore.. That's why I asked for the change of my off day. I feel sorry for not telling him the truth..

I don't know how he feel about me at the moment, but like what Gillian said, it's undeniable my heart still has him.. It does feel the pain when it comes to think that me and him is just friends when my heart still has him in its original place that has never left... Can I be selfish for once to ask the God to actually make him realize the love I've had once for him has never change and it will never change for the rest of my life? I'm really hoping and praying from the bottom of my heart that he will come to realize all that I ahve done so far.. Will that one day come?

TRUST???

Trust as per Wikipedia is a relationship of reliance. Trust does not need to involve belief in the good character, vices, or morals of the other party. Trust is a statement about what is otherwise unknown.

In my dictionary, trust is something a person can choose to have it. You can choose to trust or not that somebody. If you have choosen to trust in it, and later to suspect, this is not the other party's fault but your fault. Human beings like to put the blame on another person but not themselves. I don't know why.

Starting a relationship it means that you trust your partner. You trust him/her on everything, that's the only reason to start a relationship. I mean there are some fools who starts their relationship because of loneliness. I have friends like that. So I'm not surprise. This is another story. Back to my main topic, trust. Being with someone it means you've putted your trust on him/her. But how can the trust be there if suspicion is also there?

Trust tags along with many words. However, one of it in realtionship wise is 'CARE'. When you trust that person, automatically you'll care.. But will the care still be there if the trust is not there? I presume no. If so, I really want to know what is the point on holding something that you have no trust? As it was being said, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was & always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with".

*If you are reading this and feels the fire, I think you are not a stupid person to understand what it's written in here. Not unless your english is weaker than I thought. Like I've said, it's your choice. You ahve the rights to choose what you want to do. But bare in mind whatever decision you have made, whatever the results will be, don't regret crying over the spilt milk. That's all the advice I will say.*

My Job

OMG!!! I cannot believe I'm doing this.. I'm working at Royale Bintang being a Guest Service Assistant (GSA) but I've to go through HSK for cross exposure before I start my real job at F/O... Unbelievable I'm back doing bed making again.. Tired like shit!!! The moment I reach home, I'll check my FB and boom.. I'll be sleeping like a pig..

However, I've some benefit on doing this cross training.. I've learnt about the 6 difference rooms there is in Royale Bintang, what they have in those different types of rooms and the facilities.. I can't really remember all, but more or less, I know what they have inside.. Bed making in Royale Bintang is not as easy as in Sunway.. They have 3 layers.. However, the job here is much more lighter compared to in Sunway.. The kakaks here are very helpful.. They really teach you as if you are their permenant in HSK..

Unfortunately, I still miss Sunway.. I really wish I can go back to Sunway.. But there are many things there which is stopping me from going back.. First of all is the complication of the replationship wise.. I know it has nothing to do with me especially I have Joey, Sayang & Sly here to support me.. But more or less, those 8 po people in Sunway really make me beh tahan them.. Moreover, some people in Sunway also very lanci especially those who have been just promoted.. Say hi to them like saying hi to a wall.. Especially a dirty bastard whose surname is Tai.. He nothing but a jerk.. Only knwo how to act innocent.. Fuck it la.. Haha...

Still considering how I want to react if Sunway really call me up for the medical check up.. Should I go or should I reject???

My unbelievable dream...

I was shocked with the dream I've had last night.. It's an unbelievable one since a year ago.. I've only dreamt about him before we got together and now, after breaking up for 6 months, I'm actually dreaming about him? What the fuck???

I really don't know how and what to say about myself now.. Do I really want to let my past go? If I do, why am I suffering like this just because of a dream? What does this dream meant? Has it any meaning or is it trying to show me something? I really want to know..

A year ago, I dreamt about being together with you and "BAM", my dream came true.. What about now? I've had a similar dream about it again and this is 6 months after being away from you. Coming back being a stranger but having that kind of dream that felt you have not left me all these while.. What is it trying to tell me? Or I should ask what are you trying to show me?

Undeniable you are still in my heart.. Undeniable having a bf now is just an excuse for me not to think about you.. Undeniable for attending interview in Sunway but not going back to work was just avoid away from you. I have no idea how long it will take me to realize all that I'm doing has no benefit for me, but it has everything good deed for you.

I do not know why am I caring so much about what you think rather that how I think. You are my threat.. I don't know how am I going to use my strength to turn this threat into an opportunity for something new.. I've been searching to look at this matter in a new angle, a new perspective.. But it seems like it's not working..

Is that dream trying to tell me to get you back? How am I suppose to know you can be trusted this time.. Since I have all these questions in my head, it show that I have doubt you will come back sincerely to me.. Since there is no trust in me to you, I don't see the reason for me to force you back with me. I don't know how happy you are at the moment, I don't know what fucking news you have said in the hotel, and I do not want to know if you fucking care about me anymore, all I want is just a peaceful life.. I'm back from a new place during new year.. I just want a peaceful life. Can't you just give me back my life? You want glamour that's your fucking business.. But don't drag me into it. I'm out of your life and I'm out of the picture between you and all those "girls" of yours..

Missing you till now...

It's been months since that day.. I've told myself to let go and I'm still telling myself to let go until now.. Why can't I just fucking let you go??? Many ways I've used to get you fucking out of my life.. But if never seem to work.. Can say I'm weak ba... Whenever I've let you out a bit, the very moment I hear you have something on, I'm back once more.. How longwill this take me to let you go?

Knowing Sayang is the best thing of my life.. He made me stressless I should say.. However, that doesn't make him my lover.. My own bf has been stealed away by someone else, I don't want to be that person stealing other people's lover. I'm not that bitchy afterall.. Or not so complicated..

Do you know because of you, I've caused Sayang into troubled? I know it's not your fault but mine. However if the main reason wasn't you, I wouldn't have needed to do this. I've been telling you Sayang, Sayang and Sayang.. Even putted Sayang's picture on my phone & iTouch just for you to see. But all this was to draw my attention away from you. No more looking at you, no more thinking about you..

Today, when I read back all of our previous message from YahooMail to friendster messages from you when we first know each other, to our sms since you have my number till the day we broke up, & the messages in facebook that we had our conversation, I'm sorry to say I've broke down again.. My mind ran back to your memories.. I mean back to our memories from the day I saw you in Rainforest till that day mrning your message came to me asking for break up..

And now, I'm no longer in your heart cause my place which used to be in your heart has been taken over by some other girls.. This hurts me very much.. But what can I do? You are not mine from the start. It was a mistake knowing you and being together.. I really hope you do see who is the one who really loves you till now.. Till this very moment when you are in shit, when your sister needed help, who is the one willingly to help? I could have said no.. It's your sister not mine.. I have no connection with you at all.. Why should I be helping? When you are down writting all those things on your shout out, I'm worried.. I wanted to know what is happening.. But I have no rights to know now cause you are no longer mine.. You belong to someone else now..

I'm eally looking forward and praying everyday for you to return one day.. I dono how long will I need to wait.. A year? Centuries? Or never will I get you back, I don't know. But I'm praying and will always be praying till the day you come back to me.. I really miss you..

My Syg...

Thank God to know him.. Syg, jak kenal u, I happy je.. Byk hal dtg pun I x tkut skarang ni.. U slalu cheer me up.. X tlg I solve, pi dgr dah cukup.. Tu je yg I nak.. Pi ms tuk kita hnya 3 bln.. Ni la jnji qta.. U hnya tlg I lupakan org tu dlm ms 3 bln.. Pas 3 bln u bukan sapa2 gi.. Kwn je.. Mmg x hrp 3 bln ni pas.. Haiz... Pi 4 mlm ni dpt chat sm Syg, I happy sgt la.. Thanks!!! Owe u a bunch.. My best valentines gift of all from God dis yr...

The Fact Is Not As Difficult To Face As I Thought

After what has happened for the past 6 months being away from my loved one and being apart now, I have been having the 'scared' feeling on facing him. Many things ran through my mind before coming back. How I want to face him? What should my reaction be when I see him? Many thousands of questions in my mind...

However, when I got back, that day itself my challenge was to face him.. After getting his call and as I was going to the hotel, I was scared.. Nervous.. But when he is really in front of my face, the feeling is not what I thought it would be.. I face him very friendly.. I smiled and talked as usual.. No bad feeling or what-so-ever.. Not even missing him or the word 'love' to him doesn't even seem to exist.. So this is a very good sign to show that I'm all totally done and over with him..

Unfortunately, every good has its bad too.. I do agree I'm over with him, but one thing which I cannot stand hearing is his life now.. I have no idea what life he's in now as I do not know him anymore.. I don't understand every single thing he does.. He's no longer the person I used to know. He seem to be lost.. Doesn't know what he's doing or something like that.. My heart aches when I heard all these.. I want to help.. But I've ended up myself in shit now.. I guess someone in the hotel is trying to get me stay far away from him.. Everytime when I have activity that involves him, the very next day, rumours spreaded like fire..

People says that I'm back to take him back.. They have been saying I'm talking bad about him and his ex (which I don't agree on doin).. I don't know how childish can these people in hotel be. I understand the season is low and nothing much to do.. But can't they just stop nozing into people's personal life? Work is work.. Why want to pull personal life into it? So unprofessionism.. Cheah wa... Like making myself sound so proffesional.. Haha... Anyway, don't they use their brain to think, what good will it give me if I really were the one who is talking bad about he and his ex? He comes back to me? Fuck him!!! He has hurt me bad enough.. Even if he wants, sorry, everything is too late to turn back.. I love my life now.. I have my Sayang with me now.. Sayang is a better person than him.. At least he doesn't feel that my care and concern is a control..

What I'm trying to say is, whatever happens, just face the fact.. You might think it's difficult and impossible to face it, but once you are there, you will see it is not what you think it is.. So just chill and relax.. Face it like a man (eventhough you're a woman)... Hahaha...

How can one let go of unwanted memories?

In life, there are some memories we want to keep it forever, however there are some which is not that happy that we would want to forget. The question is how can one forget or I should put it "How Can One Let Go of the Memory He/She Doesn't Want?"
Does it involve mask? Hiding your true self when it come to facing that problem?orAllowing yourself to continue getting hurt for the time being till one day (don't know when it'll come)?orJust say what you feel without caring about the other party's feeling (burden/stress)?
The main question of mine is also related to "Do you prefer to hurt yourself or to hurt someone you love?" How can this be answered?Stingy people who cares for themselves will answer they are the most important thing. However, for those who is caring (I doubt so whomever out there is like that) will choose to sacrifies themself.
Relates back to my previous post, "Life", we are full of choices to make everyday. If you were to let go, you have this kind of ending. However, what if you choose the other one? No one will ever know the answer because each one of us has different life and we live our life differently from another person. So the experiences that we are going through daily is different. So the other road that is not chosen is something where one can fantasize however they like and regret on this very road that they have choosen and is walking on currently..
Another point where one can lose an unwanted memory purposely and it can be accidently is through serious accident that involves brain. Lost of memory would be the best because those memories will not haunt you and you can totally start a brand new life.. The 3 suggestions that I have mentioned will never work for the rest of your life, as long as you live.. Memories can never be erase.. Time cannot be turned back.. Mistakes cannot be undone.. Water that has been poured away can never be collected back..

I'm still lost...

6 months of being away from you has past.. It is time to face you.. Face the fact and reality.. I'm still lost.. Till now, I still don't know how I want to face you.. Acting behind you, I have no problem. Since crying in this end you cannot see.. At least this wouldn't make you difficult. But.. I'm still tryiing my best to think andto find the easiest and fastest way to forget you.. Unfortunately.. I failed again..

For the past 2 months, I've been telling people I'm ok.. I can go on without you and you are not a problem in my life. However, I've been hinding myself all these while. Living in shadow is what I've been doing. I've already lost you in heart. I can't affort to lose you in sight.. I don't want to even lose the only chance to be able to see you and talk to you..

Tell me I'm stupid.. Say I'm idiot.. I'm doing all these to suffer myself.. But what else can I do? I've tried keeping myself busy to keep my mind away from you.. I've tried to ignore you, but I couldn't resist on replying at the end.. I've tried hating you, unfortunately, I've failed.. Tell me what else can I do to not lose the grip of you anymore but at the same time forgetting all that has to do with you?

10 days more I'll be back in M'sia.. Seeing you soon.. Until now I still can't make up my mind on how to face you.. Why you can never see the love and care I have for you? I do not love you cause you your money.. I love you for who you are..

I'm loving babies...

Haha.. I think I'm starting the hang of babies now. I find them kind of cute.. Whenever I see them smile at me, I feel very happy.. It's like I'm in their world as well.. Wonder if I would ever have my own? After my previous experience with guys, I have phobias with them now. Don't think I'll be having any till I think I'm ready for another go. But.. My hope is still on. It depends on him now to choose.

Have never liked the idea of having baby in the future until he came into my life. But it seems like my wonderful dream has been crushed.. I hope he will make it up to me, or perhaps another guy would proof to me that he is better than that idiot. I just want a sincere and simple guy. Is that so difficult? I don't give a shit if he's rich or poor?? I can take care of my own.. I don't want to use guys money.. I can earn my own.. This is why I want my career. The only thing I'm looking for a partner is to care, love and lend me his shoulder when I feel down. I am giving the same thing out as well. Oh gosh!!! Finding for the right one is so dam difficult..

Anyhow, I've another couple of days and I'm back in Swiss with book, computer and papers. No more seeing babies.. Dam.. Don't know why now I love babies so much.. Find them very innocent look, cute and adorable..

My 3rd dream

Funny thing.. It's really funny... Or should I put it as weird? How can a person dream of someone whom both parties have not even met before? I mean this 3rd dream has happened longs time before. I think about 3 weeks ago? I mean if he did read this, I believe he'll know when it happened cause when I dreamt about him, I got up and txt him the very next morning. He only dreamt about me once. Not sure what his story line is about me. But mine is weird and funny. Haha.. 3 of the dreams that has him in it is related. Has connection to my ex as well.. 3 dreams happened in 3 different places but having same people in it. 3 of them comes to the same ending eventhough started off with a different story line.

Not telling the whole dream cause it's mine.. Very nice and sweet.. Can only tell the ending which is Sayang stood up for me and fucked my ex upside down. Further in detail not telling too cause is my dream. Want to know just ask me.

Sayang is just someone whom I barely know.. Was introduced by a friend. Has been treating him as one close friend eventhough we have not meet each other.. That's why I'm very looking forward to go back and find for him that very day when I arrive. As for Sunway, I think I'll have to stay away from there for a moment until I can get my ex out of my mind cause I've decided to lock my love eternally..

If he so happens to be "not blind" and can see a clear picture again, I wouldn't mind to unlock my love just for him. But at the moment, I'll just need Sayang and Sly with me.. I trust no other guys around me now. Girls only a few of them I'll trust.. Especially not those in Sunway as there are too many bitches. Stealing people's bf.. What the fuck??? Hate those people. I know that girl is Wai Leng's close friend. I will not make Wai Leng difficult. That's between me and her. Cannot blame her as well. That's my fault for being away from Gerald for so long that causes him to lost his love for me.

Becoming a mother soon...

I've been here in UK with my cousin and taking care of his children can really train myself up in becoming a mother. Haha.. But I'm really scared of kids at the moment.. Really difficult to take care of. I don't think I want one next time.. I've had enough with kids. Feeding baby, carrying baby to sleep.. Even when she's asleep, I can't even put her down and myself can't even sit down.. OMG!!! I think I've had muscle on my arms now.. Haha..

Talking about kids, had a very funny conversation with Sayang. Will never and can never forget. But at the same time while I was having wonderful time chatting with Sayng during his over night shift, I've received a message from someone whom I can never believe I've received a reply from. If that person know how himself is, I'm not talking bad about you, but just to let you know, I'm not hating you, neither am I backing myself away. But for the time being, I think I'll need some time to gte you out of my mind. I feel that it is enough of living in the dark. You're not coming back, what for am I holding on to you? You and I both will suffer. Might as well I suffer alone from giving up our memories and live on my own. I believe I can do it. With the help of Sayang, in 3 months time shouldn't be a problem. But if I were to do it alone, I might need a longer time. Will come and face you when I think the time is right.

As for Sayang, I'm really glad to see him online these few days.. Being able to chat with him has brighten my days.. Both him and Sly has been the biggest encourager to me for these past 2 months. Sly would call me once a month to talk for about 30min on the phone. I really need to get something good for him, and Sayang too cause he is always there for me when I needed him. Although he didnt reply me at times, I know he'll either be out of credit or he's working. If he has the credit, he'll get back to me as soon as he has the credit. I'm really glad to say these 2 are my friends.

Mix feeling...

I'm having a mix feeling at the moment.. I don't know to laugh or to cry. Thinking about 'unknown' I can smile at myself. But when I think of 'Mr Smart', I feel like crying. Don't ask me why. I don't know it myself either.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I've got into bed at 12am but was tossing and turning till 3.30am then only I'm able to fall asleep. Almost got up late for class today. Thank God just skip breakfast and not class.. Haha.. Whole night, the last scene of him keeps appearing in my head. In KLIA.. The promise.. Heart ache.. Tears rolling down my cheek as he dissapeared in front of me. Cannot resist, I cried. Silently, without anyone knowing... Will this be the rest of my life?

Is not I don't want to let go. The thing is I don't know how to let go. I've tried many ways of letting him go. Hating him (impossible)... He has nothing bad in him. Unlike Shan.. What on him that can allow me to hate him? He dump me? Was his freedom of choice.. Mr. Randy is right.. I cannot go on like this forever. Suffer is me not him. He happily enjoying there but I'm crying my life out for him. What's the point? Why go through all this?

Dad told me that time will heal. But I don't see how much it has healed me in this 2 months time. Another month and I'll be back. How should I face him? Smile? Fake? I'm not a faker!! Neither do I want to show him any of my emotional anymore. Other than Wai Leng, Elyse & my dad, the other person whomI can show my weakness to is my sayang.

Sayang has been here listening to me ever since the day I know him Don't know him in person but via phone. Talked to him before and he sounds nice. He always makes me feel better. Unlike that 'Mr Smart'. Thank God I'm blessed with such wonderful friends and families who's always supporting me and most importantly grateful is Sly.. Has been calling once a month and talk to me on the phone for at least 30min.

I feel that as time goes, time has proven to me that he isn't mine. It's asking me to let go.. Can I? Should I? Once again, time. How long?

Heart broken

Why people so like living in yesterdays and not tomorrows.. Is it whatever we do we have to look back into the past? It doesn't feels good living in the past but not looking ahead..

How come some people know how to advice people but don't know how to do it themselves when the same situation happens? This is call acting ba?

It has been the hardest day for me this few days.. History that has been long pass and gone two months ago is being digged out by 'Mr. Smart'. He know how to ask people to look into the future but he himself looking back into the past. And of all, it has to be 2 months ago case.. What the fuck?? Sorry I didn't mean to start back again. But I haven't been writting anything about him for these past 2 months. Was only that month when he dump me..

Does he know his life there other than financial problem which everyone is facing at the moment, his feeling is normal.. He laughs and jokes as usual.. What about me?? Crying is what I do.. I've been trying my best to leave the past. But you keep appearing into my life. How the hell you expect me to walk away from your life? If you want me to be myself, please release me.. Give me this 2 months time to totally forget of all those messery dreams.. I really need time to get pass through it.. I'm not like you saying let go mean let go that very next second. I'm a girl that has putted all my hopes and dreams into it.. Moreover, I'm nt as cold blooded as you..

Darkness is what my life can see at the moment.. From the day you dump me, I've been living in darkness... In hell.. Till I came to know this one person.. At least he brought a bit of the light to light up my life.. But, you're like a wind that comes and blew it out again.. My heart is not steel.. It can be broken easily and it's not as cold as steel.. Please leave me alone.. Stop playing with my psychology.. It's killing me..

Bad mood cuz of her...

Fucking pissed off!!! Dat anjing betina dam bloody pissed me off today.. I'm waiting for tomolo to end and that's it... Finito vif her... Don ever ever ask me to work vif her.. Bloody hell.. Ask us to rush our part out but she didnt even get hers done out at all.. Some more nozing into our part.. Do I not know how to write? Do I not know how to do anything? If that's so, she shouldn't have join our group in the very beginning. Everything has to go through her bf.. Why don't ask her bf to just replace the both of us for the debate?

She sends me her bf copy and ask me to edit a bit.. I edited the so called a bit that she say and she say i didn't change anything. She wanna change or does she wanna edit? Very big difference between changing and editing le.. Pukima!!!

Really in my life first time seeing this kinda person.. I know I'll be seeing even more when I come out to work.. But this is really untolerable lo.. I've almost reach the boiling point just now. I haven't been looking at her when I talk.. The way she ask help from people is like it's a must to do as she orders. Not even a please and thank you.. No manners.. Don't know how her parents brought her up.. Living here for 3 years and this is what she learnt out from the hospitality industry? What a shame... It's an insult to this line.. Oh God.. Praying hard for the debate to end and for Christmas to come..

Confusion

Confused!!! So confused!!!

I really don't know what I want anymore. I've told myself that I would let go and forget about him.. But why now when he's in so much pain, I'm worrying him more than I worry about myself? FUCK!!! What the hell???

Honest speaking, ever since I heard that he had an accident and in more debts, plus drinking is one of his habit now to avoid his problems, I'm really worries about him. I even cried for the past few days just because about this. I'm not sure what I've done is worth it or not. But I guess as long as I think that it's right then it's right. Shouldn't let anyone influence me right?

I want to turn and walk out of his life and away from this pain that I'm having as soon as I can. But seeing his suffer now, I don't feel good myself. Instead, I think I feel what he is feeling now except that I do not have the amount of stress that he is having now. It's not a pity but a pain in my heart to know he's having this kind of problem but I could do nothing to help. I've been a helpless since before.. As his gf last time and as a friend now. Nothing I could do to help or at least to ease his troubles.