I'm having a mix feeling at the moment.. I don't know to laugh or to cry. Thinking about 'unknown' I can smile at myself. But when I think of 'Mr Smart', I feel like crying. Don't ask me why. I don't know it myself either.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I've got into bed at 12am but was tossing and turning till 3.30am then only I'm able to fall asleep. Almost got up late for class today. Thank God just skip breakfast and not class.. Haha.. Whole night, the last scene of him keeps appearing in my head. In KLIA.. The promise.. Heart ache.. Tears rolling down my cheek as he dissapeared in front of me. Cannot resist, I cried. Silently, without anyone knowing... Will this be the rest of my life?
Is not I don't want to let go. The thing is I don't know how to let go. I've tried many ways of letting him go. Hating him (impossible)... He has nothing bad in him. Unlike Shan.. What on him that can allow me to hate him? He dump me? Was his freedom of choice.. Mr. Randy is right.. I cannot go on like this forever. Suffer is me not him. He happily enjoying there but I'm crying my life out for him. What's the point? Why go through all this?
Dad told me that time will heal. But I don't see how much it has healed me in this 2 months time. Another month and I'll be back. How should I face him? Smile? Fake? I'm not a faker!! Neither do I want to show him any of my emotional anymore. Other than Wai Leng, Elyse & my dad, the other person whomI can show my weakness to is my sayang.
Sayang has been here listening to me ever since the day I know him Don't know him in person but via phone. Talked to him before and he sounds nice. He always makes me feel better. Unlike that 'Mr Smart'. Thank God I'm blessed with such wonderful friends and families who's always supporting me and most importantly grateful is Sly.. Has been calling once a month and talk to me on the phone for at least 30min.
I feel that as time goes, time has proven to me that he isn't mine. It's asking me to let go.. Can I? Should I? Once again, time. How long?
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