It's Just Feels Like It Was Yesterday

How funny when you thought you have finally done and over with something, but when you happen to be back in that very same place, every memories of it runs through in your mind like it just happened yesterday..

Standing there has brought back the memory when you were standing there in front of me bidding goodbye, made the promise that you will be waiting back here and support me in every way. All these pleasant memories was just seems like yesterday when I was about to leave.. But just a blink of eyes, everything turned 180 degrees. From a sweet memory to a sour memory.. From a good memory to a rotten memeory.. Everything you have given there and then, has been taken all away with just a snap of your fingers. I wonder how and why?

I admit, I couldn't hold back my tears. I couldn't fight back my emotions. I was weak. And so I let you defeated me once more. The scar in my heart was once again opened. Hurt so painful that I don't know how to describ and I don't think anyone in this world would understand how deep it felt. I may sound stupid on it. But once you are in my situation. Things might just be the same to most of you out there as well.. As it was being said, love is blind. And I've blinded mine from the very day I knew you.

April my month

These past 3 weeks has been the best weeks of my life ever since I got back from Switzerland.. Seeing him in so much troubles... Seeing him in such a stressful situation, there is nothing I can do to solve.. My heart aches when I see him in these situations..

I don't know if I were to feel happy for being able to help him and support him lately, or should I feel the other way round. I may seem to be the stupidiest girl in the univers, but I don't care.. All I want to do now is just to help and support him in whatever way I can.. No matter how tired I am, I'll still be there whenever he needed help.. No time also I'll try to arrange time. Actually, I ahve a confession to make. This week's off was not Candy who ask for change. Is I the one who ask for the change from Candy. I knew he needed to get his licent this week and I don't want to drag anymore.. That's why I asked for the change of my off day. I feel sorry for not telling him the truth..

I don't know how he feel about me at the moment, but like what Gillian said, it's undeniable my heart still has him.. It does feel the pain when it comes to think that me and him is just friends when my heart still has him in its original place that has never left... Can I be selfish for once to ask the God to actually make him realize the love I've had once for him has never change and it will never change for the rest of my life? I'm really hoping and praying from the bottom of my heart that he will come to realize all that I ahve done so far.. Will that one day come?

I'm still lost...

6 months of being away from you has past.. It is time to face you.. Face the fact and reality.. I'm still lost.. Till now, I still don't know how I want to face you.. Acting behind you, I have no problem. Since crying in this end you cannot see.. At least this wouldn't make you difficult. But.. I'm still tryiing my best to think andto find the easiest and fastest way to forget you.. Unfortunately.. I failed again..

For the past 2 months, I've been telling people I'm ok.. I can go on without you and you are not a problem in my life. However, I've been hinding myself all these while. Living in shadow is what I've been doing. I've already lost you in heart. I can't affort to lose you in sight.. I don't want to even lose the only chance to be able to see you and talk to you..

Tell me I'm stupid.. Say I'm idiot.. I'm doing all these to suffer myself.. But what else can I do? I've tried keeping myself busy to keep my mind away from you.. I've tried to ignore you, but I couldn't resist on replying at the end.. I've tried hating you, unfortunately, I've failed.. Tell me what else can I do to not lose the grip of you anymore but at the same time forgetting all that has to do with you?

10 days more I'll be back in M'sia.. Seeing you soon.. Until now I still can't make up my mind on how to face you.. Why you can never see the love and care I have for you? I do not love you cause you your money.. I love you for who you are..

Confusion

Confused!!! So confused!!!

I really don't know what I want anymore. I've told myself that I would let go and forget about him.. But why now when he's in so much pain, I'm worrying him more than I worry about myself? FUCK!!! What the hell???

Honest speaking, ever since I heard that he had an accident and in more debts, plus drinking is one of his habit now to avoid his problems, I'm really worries about him. I even cried for the past few days just because about this. I'm not sure what I've done is worth it or not. But I guess as long as I think that it's right then it's right. Shouldn't let anyone influence me right?

I want to turn and walk out of his life and away from this pain that I'm having as soon as I can. But seeing his suffer now, I don't feel good myself. Instead, I think I feel what he is feeling now except that I do not have the amount of stress that he is having now. It's not a pity but a pain in my heart to know he's having this kind of problem but I could do nothing to help. I've been a helpless since before.. As his gf last time and as a friend now. Nothing I could do to help or at least to ease his troubles.

My arching heart

Today, I went into his profile and read the comment his sister left for him. I felt hurt.. Depressed.. Sad.. Even feel like crying (actually I did cry).. He had another accident with his car and he has been drinking a lot lately I know.

This is not what I want to see.. I choose to left because I thought he would be happier off without me. But from what I can see, he is still the same. How am I suppose to let go when he's like that?? It's really breaking my heart and killing me.

I don't know if he knows how deep my love is for him or not. But for him to leave me like that I've already open one eye and close the other eye and told myself it's ok and never mind as long as he's happier. But now? My heart is arching..

I know it is not my problem and worrying about it, I find this problem for myself to suffer. But I can't control it.. Why does he not understand? I know he's dyeing to kick me out of his way.. But no matter how hard he kicks, how far he has kicked me to, I still return..

I can't sleep properly lately and has no mood for class.. All I think is how is he.. Silly me but I can't help it. I've been trying to focus on my studies but his problems seems to just drift in naturally.. Like now, I'm supposingly to be studying for my 25% quiz tomorrow. But what am I doing? Blogging.. Palui!!!!

My 18th day of the month (Nov 08)

Today is the 18th of the month. It means another tough day for me. Other than the mini session classes which I have to attend, it's also our anniversary if we are still together. I feel so useless. I've told myself to let go and forget about it, but honest speaking, I really cannot let go. Still I haven't let go even though I kept telling my dad that I'm ok and don't talk about my feelings towards him lately because I don't want my dad to worry about me. I don't want friends to worry about me too. So I choose to lie. I know I hate people lying to me. But I have no choice.

I don't want people to pity me. I choose to be strick in public but weak when I'm alone. He has been always in my mind. Drifting in and out all the time. I do admit after knowing the other new guy, I didn't think much about him. Didn't think much doesn't mean I didn't think at all. Whenever I'm alone or when I work too hard, he'll come into the picture.

I'm not sure if the other guy's present will be able to make me leaving him behind bits by bits or not. I have no confidence because my love for him is seriously too strong. Not even myself can control it. I wish I could do something.

Until this moment, I'm still praying that he would tell me he was just kidding all this while. Every night I would pray to God (it's not something I will do normally) for him to come back to me.

It's time to bottle up and leave it behind

Everything that I've gone through for the past 2 months is not very good. Can say till now, I still don't know what am I doing. Missing him a lot.. Still hoping for things to get back to normal.. But all is done and over. I know it from inside my heart. I'm cheating myself telling we still have hope, we still have chance. All this is just a lie to make myself feel comfortable. His sms to me when I enter the KLIA departure gate to trust him that he will wait for me and promised that he will wait, has always been the motivation message for me since I went through that departure gate till today where I am now. However, now is the time to bottle it up and leave it behind. Whatever he has said that he is different from Shan or those in Sunway is not what I can see. Same thing. After getting what they want and 'bye bye' is what they say. I know he doesn't like me writting about him here. But sorry to say, this is me. I'm not trying to talk bad things about him, neither am I trying to contaminating him here. All I want to say is clearly stated on my headline.

My love for him will never change. However, I don't want to live in a misserable life here crying day & night, or I should say whenever he pops into my mind and he is back there enjoying his life happily. I choose to ignore everything that he does back there and hears no news about him anymore. I choose to hate myself for loving him before but I will learn to smile at him when I see him next year and thank him for being in my life once for those happy memories that he has given me before I leave to Switzerland. Anybody who needs a bottle of bitter medicine, can always come and get from me. I have a huge bottle here. People who needs love consulting, to be advice not to come looking for me as I have failed in mine and I don't want to make people fail in theirs too like me. I will try to stay away from him as much as I could. He have his friends in Sunway, I will try not to go there often when I get back. Even if I were to go, I'll make sure I turn and walk the opposite way when I see him around the corner. I do agree and yet I'm still believing that life without him with me is meaningless. But, life without myself is worst. So I'll need to stand strong myself before I can be a supporter to that person.

"Goodbye my beloved dear.. It's time to continue my life and leave our so called planned future and hope behind.. You know where I am whenever you want to come back, I'm always open for you. Hopefully, this will be the last blog that I'll write about you. Enjoy your life and stay happy. That's all I want to see from you. My love for you is bottled up, but not thrown away. It will always sit in the same place as to where you have left it for you to open it back. Love you always.."

My memory...

Knowing you was an accident. I didn't know how love is till I knew you. You've showed me what life is. What love is all about. How all these are to be faced when they are in front. I thank God for giving me the opportunity of learning and thank him for sending you to me and was once part of my life. Most treasured moment in my life..

It all happen a couple of weeks I've got played and dumpped by your best friend. I was mad, I was angry. Wrote all in my blog. Didn't know how you came across my blog and left me a note on it. That was when we started to know each other. We communicated via leaving message in Friendster comment. I knew nothing about you but was communicating with you as if I knew you forever. Later on to found out you were just working in the next building and is a cousin of one of my colleague working in the same building with me. I remember before giving you my number, we met during Birthday Bash but we just noded and did not talk cause I was in relationship with somebody that time. Leaving comments on Friendster that was how we communicate till we have each other number then we stopped communicating on Friendster but on sms. That was the time we both had the same shit, over night. First day of your over night after your leave, you came over to the cafeteria. Although we've said to have supper together and I were to call you when I have my break, we did turn out to eat in the same cafeteria but didn't manage to sit together because I was with somebody. A couple of times happened the same thing.

(got to go out later, so want to sleep awhile now. To be continue some other day... Sorry...)