My Volcano

Been back from a foreign country for a long, long time. 7 months now. I do agree it does feels long. Many things (problems) came and gone.. However, there is one that came and had not leave until now. I thought it has all been thrown away and I'm totally cleaned off with it. But as time goes, it seems like I'm over confidence. Too confident in fact.

What I wish while being away was a impossible wish. But it did came through for just awhile. Sweet memories of it. However, this sweet memories with it did not last as I've expected. Once again, it came back to me, but left once more. It killed my heart for the second time now.

No matter how foolishly I made my wish now and then, knowing it will never and can never come again, yet I'm still holding on the hope of that wish. Realizing how foolishly myself had been last time, is now, and will be in the near future, hatred did not come to me on this. No matter how painful it is, I'm still not giving up on myself to continuously.. (could not find words to put in)

I'm not as taugh as you can see with your naked eyes. I'm still human and I'm still a girl with feelings. In this period of time being away, I did learnt to control myself. To not show my emotions to people no matter what. Neither have I spoken to anyone regarding about it and I don't think I will ever want to talk about it.

Feeling is undescribable. No words you can use to say it out in order for the other person to understand or feel what you have gone through, and is going through. People says understand how I feel, what I'm going through, those are bullshits!! Nobody knows how deep that the knife went into my heart, except for myself. I admit, neither will I understand or feel another person's feeling when they tell me especially everything that has to do with the word 'PAIN'.

My unbelievable dream...

I was shocked with the dream I've had last night.. It's an unbelievable one since a year ago.. I've only dreamt about him before we got together and now, after breaking up for 6 months, I'm actually dreaming about him? What the fuck???

I really don't know how and what to say about myself now.. Do I really want to let my past go? If I do, why am I suffering like this just because of a dream? What does this dream meant? Has it any meaning or is it trying to show me something? I really want to know..

A year ago, I dreamt about being together with you and "BAM", my dream came true.. What about now? I've had a similar dream about it again and this is 6 months after being away from you. Coming back being a stranger but having that kind of dream that felt you have not left me all these while.. What is it trying to tell me? Or I should ask what are you trying to show me?

Undeniable you are still in my heart.. Undeniable having a bf now is just an excuse for me not to think about you.. Undeniable for attending interview in Sunway but not going back to work was just avoid away from you. I have no idea how long it will take me to realize all that I'm doing has no benefit for me, but it has everything good deed for you.

I do not know why am I caring so much about what you think rather that how I think. You are my threat.. I don't know how am I going to use my strength to turn this threat into an opportunity for something new.. I've been searching to look at this matter in a new angle, a new perspective.. But it seems like it's not working..

Is that dream trying to tell me to get you back? How am I suppose to know you can be trusted this time.. Since I have all these questions in my head, it show that I have doubt you will come back sincerely to me.. Since there is no trust in me to you, I don't see the reason for me to force you back with me. I don't know how happy you are at the moment, I don't know what fucking news you have said in the hotel, and I do not want to know if you fucking care about me anymore, all I want is just a peaceful life.. I'm back from a new place during new year.. I just want a peaceful life. Can't you just give me back my life? You want glamour that's your fucking business.. But don't drag me into it. I'm out of your life and I'm out of the picture between you and all those "girls" of yours..

Missing you till now...

It's been months since that day.. I've told myself to let go and I'm still telling myself to let go until now.. Why can't I just fucking let you go??? Many ways I've used to get you fucking out of my life.. But if never seem to work.. Can say I'm weak ba... Whenever I've let you out a bit, the very moment I hear you have something on, I'm back once more.. How longwill this take me to let you go?

Knowing Sayang is the best thing of my life.. He made me stressless I should say.. However, that doesn't make him my lover.. My own bf has been stealed away by someone else, I don't want to be that person stealing other people's lover. I'm not that bitchy afterall.. Or not so complicated..

Do you know because of you, I've caused Sayang into troubled? I know it's not your fault but mine. However if the main reason wasn't you, I wouldn't have needed to do this. I've been telling you Sayang, Sayang and Sayang.. Even putted Sayang's picture on my phone & iTouch just for you to see. But all this was to draw my attention away from you. No more looking at you, no more thinking about you..

Today, when I read back all of our previous message from YahooMail to friendster messages from you when we first know each other, to our sms since you have my number till the day we broke up, & the messages in facebook that we had our conversation, I'm sorry to say I've broke down again.. My mind ran back to your memories.. I mean back to our memories from the day I saw you in Rainforest till that day mrning your message came to me asking for break up..

And now, I'm no longer in your heart cause my place which used to be in your heart has been taken over by some other girls.. This hurts me very much.. But what can I do? You are not mine from the start. It was a mistake knowing you and being together.. I really hope you do see who is the one who really loves you till now.. Till this very moment when you are in shit, when your sister needed help, who is the one willingly to help? I could have said no.. It's your sister not mine.. I have no connection with you at all.. Why should I be helping? When you are down writting all those things on your shout out, I'm worried.. I wanted to know what is happening.. But I have no rights to know now cause you are no longer mine.. You belong to someone else now..

I'm eally looking forward and praying everyday for you to return one day.. I dono how long will I need to wait.. A year? Centuries? Or never will I get you back, I don't know. But I'm praying and will always be praying till the day you come back to me.. I really miss you..