Missing you suddenly

I don't know what has got into me. Every month facing the same problem. How and when am I going to get use to it and not allowing myself to drop a single tears just because of you anymore? That's what I use to say, problem is not on anyone. Is just me. I am the problem.

Everything about you seem to be just yesterday that it happened. The pain was there a year ago, but it seems like it is still fresh. I have been alone for the past 17 months without you by my side, but it just seems like you were just next to me yesterday and just left today. The pain, the scar & the madness in me, felt so real.

Sitting alone lately, your shadow (not image) just flew pass my mind. I thought I saw you in the corner somewhere. But it wasn't you. Was just my imagination. How stupid of me?

Told people I was ok but in fact, I wasn't. Bluffed people & also myself. What's the point?

Last night was on the phone with Sayang and he scolded me on not letting go of you and causing myself in so much trouble and pain. I told him I'm done and over. But today, cried again. People told me I needed to find another person in order to replace you from my heart, but I don't know if that works or not. Trying out huh?

Poeple that I'm trying out with is like what I have mentioned in my previous blog. Have partner. I am the 3rd party!! What the FUCK?? I odn't want this to happen as I was at their place before and I know how painful it is when you lose someone you love. I don't want to be that kind of bitch. If I were to do so, that is call revenge. Not replacing.

3rd party?

I wonder how does it feels being a 3rd party in someone's relationship? Any guilty feeling or is it just wonderful cause you get to have somebody with you?

Many questions on my mind.. But no answers to it.. Do I really need to find it out myself? What will be the consequences if I do so? But the main question is "IS IT WRONG TO GO IN BETWEEN OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIP?" I mean relationship.. Not married life.. Just an ordinary going out or so called date (I suppose)..

Sometimes, when you have been hurt too much till you have lost your sense, you couldn't feel anymore what other people might feel.. The only focus in your mind will be "I wanna heal.. I wanna heal.. I wanna heal..." This is where people has lost their minds and caused problem for another couple.. Girls and guys are the same anyway.. This general statement applies to both gender.

Back to me, have I done something wrong? Must I continue or shall I put a full stop on it?

My life now?

I wonder how does it feel if I kept continue like this. Being able to move from here to there, jumping from this end to the other end. Although sometimes when things you know aren't yours, but yet it does make you happy, you will still stick to on something which you know it's not right. Have been there but yet I'm doing it on another person.. So so so..... BAD of me... Fuck it!!

But of all things I know, I'm living in a no fear -life at the moment.. Nothing to worry about, other than $$$.. Haha.. I guess that's what everybody is having headache about huh? Anyhow, too numb to feel what EVERYONE is feeling.. Now cannot feel anything but me, myself & I.. Selfish I know.. But I guess that is human's life.

Is it that difficult to make choice in life & also to accept things that are suppose to be?

I miss you..

Agnus Monica - Matahariku

This is a Malay song sung by an Indon singer.. Very meaningful and it's my song for him..

Tertutup sudah pintu, pintu hatiku
Yang pernah dibuka waktu, hanya untukmu
Kini kau pergi, dari hidupku
Ku harus relakan mu
Walau aku tak mahu

Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luruh bergeming
Menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi, cahaya suci
Semua nada teranjak
Aku terdiam sepi

Dengarlah matahariku
Suara tangisan ku
Ku bersedih, karena panah cinta menusuk jangtung ku
Ucapkan matahari ku
Puasi tentang hidup ku
Tentang ku yang tak pernah menaklukkan waktu

Moving into new chapter

I think I'm starting to like my life now.. Just be myself.. Whoever need me to be there, I'm there.. Making people feeling better, makes me feel happy too.. However, being in a situation whereby most people now has lots of relationship problems or so-called financial problems, I don't know what to say to them.. Nothing much I can do to help other than be there to lent my ears and some of my time. Hearing on people's problems and then can't get to do anything feels very frustrating.. However, when there is something you could do that made them feel better, it makes me glad as well.

Fogetting my relationship does looks like an impossible thing especially I've destined he is my only one.. Why not just use up my depression time and put it on times that can help other people cheered up? Isn't it something worth while doing? Don't have relationship is not important anymore.. I think I can survive even better on my own. Why wanna crack my head on guys. Not worth it. People like Jeevan and guys at work say those 3 words, no meaning to me at all. Yet I still hang out with them as friends.. We go for break together and still talk during work.. They don't know why am I keeping to myself but they respect on my desicion.

Over stressed!!!

Been going a little crazy lately.. Don't know what is going wrong. But what I've been doing doesn't seem to have immune myself.. However it is making it even worst as time goes now.. How else can I do to cover it up? Find another to replace it? Which I feel it isn't fair for the other person. Keep pretending like what I'm doing now? Works only at times.. But when it comes back again, the pain is 2 times the normal pain. It kills me sometimes too.. Haven't heard anything lately but the last news I heard had killed me instantly.. Thinking about it now, still kills.. Still don't know how to face it. Have been avoiding meeting you.. Seeing you..

Is it that difficult to understand someone's feeling? Or you're just pretending? It's frustrating at times. Something tells me I'm over stressed at work now.. I use to find your topic is giving me the stress and that's when I turn my focus at work. Since now is the other way, I've turned it back to you once more and allowing myself being back in the same position again..

Just accept the fucking fact!!!

I'm starting to get piss of with myself now.. I don't know how long should I continue with this life.. Simply just couldn't let go of something that has been over for fucking centuries ago.. Come on!! Get a life... He has moved on is now with another 'ONE'.. What the hell am I thinking? Why the fuck am I still feeling so fucking down? He's not mine anymore!! Aaarrgghhhh!!!!!

I can't believe choosing to come back and getting back with him is such a wrong wrong option for me.. I guess on the dya when I came back if I'm not in contact with him no matter how he msg me, I shouldn't and will not ended up with what I am now.. This is all my fault!!!

My heart is too numbed to accept another guy.. Neither is it ready for another new person to enter.. Or I should say cannot enter at all.. Perhaps his place in me is still strongly there.. No matter how much I've ignored it in days, months or centuries, I can never seem to get rid of it.. Hearing him being able to move on without problem, it does sounds great.. BUt at the same time, I feel the pain in my heart.. Very very deep cut.. I don't know why.. It's something which I can never explain till now..

The Scar Is Opened Once More

Late I don't know what has gotten into me. All I could think about when I have nothing else to do is all about him. Have I not let go of it? I feel like a fool now. How long has it been? From the time you've made your promise to wait, was our official goodbye. It is a year. Yet I've still haven't get over it?

Again second time allowing your love to hurt me? I've done it. And it has now caused the scar you have once left on me to have re-open back. This time, it is more serious. How can I let you come back into my life so easily and it seems so difficult to let you go now? Another gf?

Happily you can be with another girl there but ignored mine? How can all that I've done turned into waste? Yet I still have the urge to want-to-help everytime when I heard you are in trouble.

It's Just Feels Like It Was Yesterday

How funny when you thought you have finally done and over with something, but when you happen to be back in that very same place, every memories of it runs through in your mind like it just happened yesterday..

Standing there has brought back the memory when you were standing there in front of me bidding goodbye, made the promise that you will be waiting back here and support me in every way. All these pleasant memories was just seems like yesterday when I was about to leave.. But just a blink of eyes, everything turned 180 degrees. From a sweet memory to a sour memory.. From a good memory to a rotten memeory.. Everything you have given there and then, has been taken all away with just a snap of your fingers. I wonder how and why?

I admit, I couldn't hold back my tears. I couldn't fight back my emotions. I was weak. And so I let you defeated me once more. The scar in my heart was once again opened. Hurt so painful that I don't know how to describ and I don't think anyone in this world would understand how deep it felt. I may sound stupid on it. But once you are in my situation. Things might just be the same to most of you out there as well.. As it was being said, love is blind. And I've blinded mine from the very day I knew you.

My Volcano

Been back from a foreign country for a long, long time. 7 months now. I do agree it does feels long. Many things (problems) came and gone.. However, there is one that came and had not leave until now. I thought it has all been thrown away and I'm totally cleaned off with it. But as time goes, it seems like I'm over confidence. Too confident in fact.

What I wish while being away was a impossible wish. But it did came through for just awhile. Sweet memories of it. However, this sweet memories with it did not last as I've expected. Once again, it came back to me, but left once more. It killed my heart for the second time now.

No matter how foolishly I made my wish now and then, knowing it will never and can never come again, yet I'm still holding on the hope of that wish. Realizing how foolishly myself had been last time, is now, and will be in the near future, hatred did not come to me on this. No matter how painful it is, I'm still not giving up on myself to continuously.. (could not find words to put in)

I'm not as taugh as you can see with your naked eyes. I'm still human and I'm still a girl with feelings. In this period of time being away, I did learnt to control myself. To not show my emotions to people no matter what. Neither have I spoken to anyone regarding about it and I don't think I will ever want to talk about it.

Feeling is undescribable. No words you can use to say it out in order for the other person to understand or feel what you have gone through, and is going through. People says understand how I feel, what I'm going through, those are bullshits!! Nobody knows how deep that the knife went into my heart, except for myself. I admit, neither will I understand or feel another person's feeling when they tell me especially everything that has to do with the word 'PAIN'.

April my month

These past 3 weeks has been the best weeks of my life ever since I got back from Switzerland.. Seeing him in so much troubles... Seeing him in such a stressful situation, there is nothing I can do to solve.. My heart aches when I see him in these situations..

I don't know if I were to feel happy for being able to help him and support him lately, or should I feel the other way round. I may seem to be the stupidiest girl in the univers, but I don't care.. All I want to do now is just to help and support him in whatever way I can.. No matter how tired I am, I'll still be there whenever he needed help.. No time also I'll try to arrange time. Actually, I ahve a confession to make. This week's off was not Candy who ask for change. Is I the one who ask for the change from Candy. I knew he needed to get his licent this week and I don't want to drag anymore.. That's why I asked for the change of my off day. I feel sorry for not telling him the truth..

I don't know how he feel about me at the moment, but like what Gillian said, it's undeniable my heart still has him.. It does feel the pain when it comes to think that me and him is just friends when my heart still has him in its original place that has never left... Can I be selfish for once to ask the God to actually make him realize the love I've had once for him has never change and it will never change for the rest of my life? I'm really hoping and praying from the bottom of my heart that he will come to realize all that I ahve done so far.. Will that one day come?

TRUST???

Trust as per Wikipedia is a relationship of reliance. Trust does not need to involve belief in the good character, vices, or morals of the other party. Trust is a statement about what is otherwise unknown.

In my dictionary, trust is something a person can choose to have it. You can choose to trust or not that somebody. If you have choosen to trust in it, and later to suspect, this is not the other party's fault but your fault. Human beings like to put the blame on another person but not themselves. I don't know why.

Starting a relationship it means that you trust your partner. You trust him/her on everything, that's the only reason to start a relationship. I mean there are some fools who starts their relationship because of loneliness. I have friends like that. So I'm not surprise. This is another story. Back to my main topic, trust. Being with someone it means you've putted your trust on him/her. But how can the trust be there if suspicion is also there?

Trust tags along with many words. However, one of it in realtionship wise is 'CARE'. When you trust that person, automatically you'll care.. But will the care still be there if the trust is not there? I presume no. If so, I really want to know what is the point on holding something that you have no trust? As it was being said, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was & always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with".

*If you are reading this and feels the fire, I think you are not a stupid person to understand what it's written in here. Not unless your english is weaker than I thought. Like I've said, it's your choice. You ahve the rights to choose what you want to do. But bare in mind whatever decision you have made, whatever the results will be, don't regret crying over the spilt milk. That's all the advice I will say.*

My Job

OMG!!! I cannot believe I'm doing this.. I'm working at Royale Bintang being a Guest Service Assistant (GSA) but I've to go through HSK for cross exposure before I start my real job at F/O... Unbelievable I'm back doing bed making again.. Tired like shit!!! The moment I reach home, I'll check my FB and boom.. I'll be sleeping like a pig..

However, I've some benefit on doing this cross training.. I've learnt about the 6 difference rooms there is in Royale Bintang, what they have in those different types of rooms and the facilities.. I can't really remember all, but more or less, I know what they have inside.. Bed making in Royale Bintang is not as easy as in Sunway.. They have 3 layers.. However, the job here is much more lighter compared to in Sunway.. The kakaks here are very helpful.. They really teach you as if you are their permenant in HSK..

Unfortunately, I still miss Sunway.. I really wish I can go back to Sunway.. But there are many things there which is stopping me from going back.. First of all is the complication of the replationship wise.. I know it has nothing to do with me especially I have Joey, Sayang & Sly here to support me.. But more or less, those 8 po people in Sunway really make me beh tahan them.. Moreover, some people in Sunway also very lanci especially those who have been just promoted.. Say hi to them like saying hi to a wall.. Especially a dirty bastard whose surname is Tai.. He nothing but a jerk.. Only knwo how to act innocent.. Fuck it la.. Haha...

Still considering how I want to react if Sunway really call me up for the medical check up.. Should I go or should I reject???

My unbelievable dream...

I was shocked with the dream I've had last night.. It's an unbelievable one since a year ago.. I've only dreamt about him before we got together and now, after breaking up for 6 months, I'm actually dreaming about him? What the fuck???

I really don't know how and what to say about myself now.. Do I really want to let my past go? If I do, why am I suffering like this just because of a dream? What does this dream meant? Has it any meaning or is it trying to show me something? I really want to know..

A year ago, I dreamt about being together with you and "BAM", my dream came true.. What about now? I've had a similar dream about it again and this is 6 months after being away from you. Coming back being a stranger but having that kind of dream that felt you have not left me all these while.. What is it trying to tell me? Or I should ask what are you trying to show me?

Undeniable you are still in my heart.. Undeniable having a bf now is just an excuse for me not to think about you.. Undeniable for attending interview in Sunway but not going back to work was just avoid away from you. I have no idea how long it will take me to realize all that I'm doing has no benefit for me, but it has everything good deed for you.

I do not know why am I caring so much about what you think rather that how I think. You are my threat.. I don't know how am I going to use my strength to turn this threat into an opportunity for something new.. I've been searching to look at this matter in a new angle, a new perspective.. But it seems like it's not working..

Is that dream trying to tell me to get you back? How am I suppose to know you can be trusted this time.. Since I have all these questions in my head, it show that I have doubt you will come back sincerely to me.. Since there is no trust in me to you, I don't see the reason for me to force you back with me. I don't know how happy you are at the moment, I don't know what fucking news you have said in the hotel, and I do not want to know if you fucking care about me anymore, all I want is just a peaceful life.. I'm back from a new place during new year.. I just want a peaceful life. Can't you just give me back my life? You want glamour that's your fucking business.. But don't drag me into it. I'm out of your life and I'm out of the picture between you and all those "girls" of yours..

Missing you till now...

It's been months since that day.. I've told myself to let go and I'm still telling myself to let go until now.. Why can't I just fucking let you go??? Many ways I've used to get you fucking out of my life.. But if never seem to work.. Can say I'm weak ba... Whenever I've let you out a bit, the very moment I hear you have something on, I'm back once more.. How longwill this take me to let you go?

Knowing Sayang is the best thing of my life.. He made me stressless I should say.. However, that doesn't make him my lover.. My own bf has been stealed away by someone else, I don't want to be that person stealing other people's lover. I'm not that bitchy afterall.. Or not so complicated..

Do you know because of you, I've caused Sayang into troubled? I know it's not your fault but mine. However if the main reason wasn't you, I wouldn't have needed to do this. I've been telling you Sayang, Sayang and Sayang.. Even putted Sayang's picture on my phone & iTouch just for you to see. But all this was to draw my attention away from you. No more looking at you, no more thinking about you..

Today, when I read back all of our previous message from YahooMail to friendster messages from you when we first know each other, to our sms since you have my number till the day we broke up, & the messages in facebook that we had our conversation, I'm sorry to say I've broke down again.. My mind ran back to your memories.. I mean back to our memories from the day I saw you in Rainforest till that day mrning your message came to me asking for break up..

And now, I'm no longer in your heart cause my place which used to be in your heart has been taken over by some other girls.. This hurts me very much.. But what can I do? You are not mine from the start. It was a mistake knowing you and being together.. I really hope you do see who is the one who really loves you till now.. Till this very moment when you are in shit, when your sister needed help, who is the one willingly to help? I could have said no.. It's your sister not mine.. I have no connection with you at all.. Why should I be helping? When you are down writting all those things on your shout out, I'm worried.. I wanted to know what is happening.. But I have no rights to know now cause you are no longer mine.. You belong to someone else now..

I'm eally looking forward and praying everyday for you to return one day.. I dono how long will I need to wait.. A year? Centuries? Or never will I get you back, I don't know. But I'm praying and will always be praying till the day you come back to me.. I really miss you..

My Syg...

Thank God to know him.. Syg, jak kenal u, I happy je.. Byk hal dtg pun I x tkut skarang ni.. U slalu cheer me up.. X tlg I solve, pi dgr dah cukup.. Tu je yg I nak.. Pi ms tuk kita hnya 3 bln.. Ni la jnji qta.. U hnya tlg I lupakan org tu dlm ms 3 bln.. Pas 3 bln u bukan sapa2 gi.. Kwn je.. Mmg x hrp 3 bln ni pas.. Haiz... Pi 4 mlm ni dpt chat sm Syg, I happy sgt la.. Thanks!!! Owe u a bunch.. My best valentines gift of all from God dis yr...

The Fact Is Not As Difficult To Face As I Thought

After what has happened for the past 6 months being away from my loved one and being apart now, I have been having the 'scared' feeling on facing him. Many things ran through my mind before coming back. How I want to face him? What should my reaction be when I see him? Many thousands of questions in my mind...

However, when I got back, that day itself my challenge was to face him.. After getting his call and as I was going to the hotel, I was scared.. Nervous.. But when he is really in front of my face, the feeling is not what I thought it would be.. I face him very friendly.. I smiled and talked as usual.. No bad feeling or what-so-ever.. Not even missing him or the word 'love' to him doesn't even seem to exist.. So this is a very good sign to show that I'm all totally done and over with him..

Unfortunately, every good has its bad too.. I do agree I'm over with him, but one thing which I cannot stand hearing is his life now.. I have no idea what life he's in now as I do not know him anymore.. I don't understand every single thing he does.. He's no longer the person I used to know. He seem to be lost.. Doesn't know what he's doing or something like that.. My heart aches when I heard all these.. I want to help.. But I've ended up myself in shit now.. I guess someone in the hotel is trying to get me stay far away from him.. Everytime when I have activity that involves him, the very next day, rumours spreaded like fire..

People says that I'm back to take him back.. They have been saying I'm talking bad about him and his ex (which I don't agree on doin).. I don't know how childish can these people in hotel be. I understand the season is low and nothing much to do.. But can't they just stop nozing into people's personal life? Work is work.. Why want to pull personal life into it? So unprofessionism.. Cheah wa... Like making myself sound so proffesional.. Haha... Anyway, don't they use their brain to think, what good will it give me if I really were the one who is talking bad about he and his ex? He comes back to me? Fuck him!!! He has hurt me bad enough.. Even if he wants, sorry, everything is too late to turn back.. I love my life now.. I have my Sayang with me now.. Sayang is a better person than him.. At least he doesn't feel that my care and concern is a control..

What I'm trying to say is, whatever happens, just face the fact.. You might think it's difficult and impossible to face it, but once you are there, you will see it is not what you think it is.. So just chill and relax.. Face it like a man (eventhough you're a woman)... Hahaha...

How can one let go of unwanted memories?

In life, there are some memories we want to keep it forever, however there are some which is not that happy that we would want to forget. The question is how can one forget or I should put it "How Can One Let Go of the Memory He/She Doesn't Want?"
Does it involve mask? Hiding your true self when it come to facing that problem?orAllowing yourself to continue getting hurt for the time being till one day (don't know when it'll come)?orJust say what you feel without caring about the other party's feeling (burden/stress)?
The main question of mine is also related to "Do you prefer to hurt yourself or to hurt someone you love?" How can this be answered?Stingy people who cares for themselves will answer they are the most important thing. However, for those who is caring (I doubt so whomever out there is like that) will choose to sacrifies themself.
Relates back to my previous post, "Life", we are full of choices to make everyday. If you were to let go, you have this kind of ending. However, what if you choose the other one? No one will ever know the answer because each one of us has different life and we live our life differently from another person. So the experiences that we are going through daily is different. So the other road that is not chosen is something where one can fantasize however they like and regret on this very road that they have choosen and is walking on currently..
Another point where one can lose an unwanted memory purposely and it can be accidently is through serious accident that involves brain. Lost of memory would be the best because those memories will not haunt you and you can totally start a brand new life.. The 3 suggestions that I have mentioned will never work for the rest of your life, as long as you live.. Memories can never be erase.. Time cannot be turned back.. Mistakes cannot be undone.. Water that has been poured away can never be collected back..

I'm still lost...

6 months of being away from you has past.. It is time to face you.. Face the fact and reality.. I'm still lost.. Till now, I still don't know how I want to face you.. Acting behind you, I have no problem. Since crying in this end you cannot see.. At least this wouldn't make you difficult. But.. I'm still tryiing my best to think andto find the easiest and fastest way to forget you.. Unfortunately.. I failed again..

For the past 2 months, I've been telling people I'm ok.. I can go on without you and you are not a problem in my life. However, I've been hinding myself all these while. Living in shadow is what I've been doing. I've already lost you in heart. I can't affort to lose you in sight.. I don't want to even lose the only chance to be able to see you and talk to you..

Tell me I'm stupid.. Say I'm idiot.. I'm doing all these to suffer myself.. But what else can I do? I've tried keeping myself busy to keep my mind away from you.. I've tried to ignore you, but I couldn't resist on replying at the end.. I've tried hating you, unfortunately, I've failed.. Tell me what else can I do to not lose the grip of you anymore but at the same time forgetting all that has to do with you?

10 days more I'll be back in M'sia.. Seeing you soon.. Until now I still can't make up my mind on how to face you.. Why you can never see the love and care I have for you? I do not love you cause you your money.. I love you for who you are..