Confusion

Confused!!! So confused!!!

I really don't know what I want anymore. I've told myself that I would let go and forget about him.. But why now when he's in so much pain, I'm worrying him more than I worry about myself? FUCK!!! What the hell???

Honest speaking, ever since I heard that he had an accident and in more debts, plus drinking is one of his habit now to avoid his problems, I'm really worries about him. I even cried for the past few days just because about this. I'm not sure what I've done is worth it or not. But I guess as long as I think that it's right then it's right. Shouldn't let anyone influence me right?

I want to turn and walk out of his life and away from this pain that I'm having as soon as I can. But seeing his suffer now, I don't feel good myself. Instead, I think I feel what he is feeling now except that I do not have the amount of stress that he is having now. It's not a pity but a pain in my heart to know he's having this kind of problem but I could do nothing to help. I've been a helpless since before.. As his gf last time and as a friend now. Nothing I could do to help or at least to ease his troubles.

My arching heart

Today, I went into his profile and read the comment his sister left for him. I felt hurt.. Depressed.. Sad.. Even feel like crying (actually I did cry).. He had another accident with his car and he has been drinking a lot lately I know.

This is not what I want to see.. I choose to left because I thought he would be happier off without me. But from what I can see, he is still the same. How am I suppose to let go when he's like that?? It's really breaking my heart and killing me.

I don't know if he knows how deep my love is for him or not. But for him to leave me like that I've already open one eye and close the other eye and told myself it's ok and never mind as long as he's happier. But now? My heart is arching..

I know it is not my problem and worrying about it, I find this problem for myself to suffer. But I can't control it.. Why does he not understand? I know he's dyeing to kick me out of his way.. But no matter how hard he kicks, how far he has kicked me to, I still return..

I can't sleep properly lately and has no mood for class.. All I think is how is he.. Silly me but I can't help it. I've been trying to focus on my studies but his problems seems to just drift in naturally.. Like now, I'm supposingly to be studying for my 25% quiz tomorrow. But what am I doing? Blogging.. Palui!!!!

My health

I went to see the doctor after my Mini Session group meeting because I've been having this bloody cough for the past week and it's not getting any better. I went back to the same doctor as before where I had my blood test about a month ago.

When I reach, the receptionist knew who I was because I've spoken to her last time on her trip to M'sia. So it was cool for me with the registration. Then when I went into the doctor's room, she had my blood test report and she told me that everything is ok EXCEPT she find it very funny or weird or whatever it is can be called that girl at my age has a very high cholestrol. SHIT!!! I was shocked out of my life.

Aaarrgghhh!!!! No more seafood... No more bak kut teh... No more nice nice food... Sob sob... Normally, I don really give a dam because I love eating.. But funny thing is when he ask me to jaga my mkn, I dono wat make me just say ok and this is my promise out of nowhere. Haha.. Weird..

Yea.. So here it goes.. Me, not yet even 21 years old, kena high cholestrol.. For normal people is 5.. But me is 6.. My friend also got but hers is lower than mine which is 5.5... You say I die or not???

Mini Session OVER!!!

Yea!!! One week Mini Session has finally come to an end.. Means no need to listen to automotive industry!! Hee... But this also means that normal Module is back in line... SHIT!!!

Got to continue and catch up and rush on my works.. Assignments, debate & presentations!!! Aaarrgghhh!!!!! I'm going crazy... Work work & more work for my brain...

However, I'm happy that I'm almost done with my Literature.. One more short story to go and I'm done. Haha.. I've got my International Management quiz on The Corporation DVD to study le.. HELP!!!

My 18th day of the month (Nov 08)

Today is the 18th of the month. It means another tough day for me. Other than the mini session classes which I have to attend, it's also our anniversary if we are still together. I feel so useless. I've told myself to let go and forget about it, but honest speaking, I really cannot let go. Still I haven't let go even though I kept telling my dad that I'm ok and don't talk about my feelings towards him lately because I don't want my dad to worry about me. I don't want friends to worry about me too. So I choose to lie. I know I hate people lying to me. But I have no choice.

I don't want people to pity me. I choose to be strick in public but weak when I'm alone. He has been always in my mind. Drifting in and out all the time. I do admit after knowing the other new guy, I didn't think much about him. Didn't think much doesn't mean I didn't think at all. Whenever I'm alone or when I work too hard, he'll come into the picture.

I'm not sure if the other guy's present will be able to make me leaving him behind bits by bits or not. I have no confidence because my love for him is seriously too strong. Not even myself can control it. I wish I could do something.

Until this moment, I'm still praying that he would tell me he was just kidding all this while. Every night I would pray to God (it's not something I will do normally) for him to come back to me.

Weird Dream

It has been really weird for me last night as I've never thought that I can dream of someone whom I've never met before in real life but only from pictures. After knowing him and get in touch with him, I've been having weird dreams which involves him. First dream happened last week (can't remember the exact date) and I deny it because I thought I was thinking too much. I dreamt that I was back in Malaysia and I was out clubbing with all my Sunway friends inclusive of my current ex, Sly, Faireen & him (he's an outsider and not Sunwayian). When everything has ended, as usual I was drunk. Couldn't drive home so he drove me but not to my house as he doesn't know where I stay. It was his place but he gave his room to me and he was sleeping another room. That was is and I got up in the morning for class. My main question to this dream was not why I can dream of him but since my ex, Sly & Faireen is there with me too, why they didn't volunteer to drive me back or something? Why let an unknown person driving me not to my home but to his place? I find it unbelievable and impossible to happen. So I choose to ignore it. However, the second dream about him came last night (or I should say early this morning) where it is kind of blur because I ahve no idea where that place is. Very blur scene. But I know he is there next to me and we are actually enjoying ourselves. Lots of laughter, lots of catching and messing around. It was just a 10 minutes dream cause I had to wake up for my class. And because of this dream, I was about to be late for class. I wanted to tell him but I was afraid that he'll thinks that I'm into him or something. I hinted him and he too said that a couple of days ago he had with me. I find it very weird for both of us have not even met before can dream of each other just like that. One time is understandable, but mine is twice. I'm not sure if he's telling the truth, but he sounded like it. I'm not sure if there will be another dream which relates to him or not next week or in the coming future before I get back to really meet up with him. Ha??? Scary la.. Dreaming of someone you have not met before.. Anyone tried that before?

It's great knowing 'unknown'

I can say I've finally letting it go bits by bits now. Knowing this 'unknown' guy has been something good happen to me and it is a chance for me to to open up myself to get to know more people and also give myself a chance to look around. It's not like 'HE' is the only guy in this world. There are some out there who are much more better than 'HIM'. Honest speaking, after knowing this 'unknown' guy, I've stopped crying every night cause of 'HIM', I've not been thinking about 'HIM' even when I have free time. Most importantly, I'm no longer being sad.. I feel happy everytime I play sms with this 'unknown' guy. Haha.. You guys must be wondering why I bother with unknown person huh? I name him unknown is not because he's invisible or what-so-ever. I do know him but it's through internet and it's through a friend. So he is unknown to me in person. Will have chance to really get to know him when I get back there. Not sure if there would be any firework between us. Will not think about it but will let faith decide for me. The only thing that faith can't decide for me will be my career. I do as I want. Relationship, will just let it go as it is.. If we're meant to be it will fall into place when it's the right time. No point trying so hard when one day you will split and all efforts are being dumpped into the ocean.. So, knowing him has been the greatest day of my life here ever since I've got dumpped by another Sunway guy.

Time to change

It's the end of my 1st week of Module 2. I can't believe how time flies now. It seems like it's getting faster and faster. It's good in a way I know that my birthday is around the corner, which means I'm turning 21 and that also means that I'm getting OLD!!! Aaarrrgghhh... So sux.. On top of that, it also means that Christmas is coming soon and I'm able to join my cousin in UK. I really can't wait to meet up with him and travel around for Christmas and most importantly is having my ever first White Christmas. 3 weeks after Christmas break, I'll finish my BBA program. Mom and brother is attending my graduation. So, I'm seeing them soon too. However, all happy things have been mentioned, and now the confusing or sad or whatever you want to categorize it, moment of truth and fact. I've to soon be back and face the reality of 'HIM'. Still wondering how would I react when I see him either by accidentally or during one of the nights out with my Sunway people. Don't know how my reaction will be, but I've told myself and restrict myself on letting go and stop everything and also forget what I've said earlier on waiting for him. I can't just stop my life cause of a guy. In this world there are so many guys out there. Like what his sister said, there can't be a guy out there who is better than him. I think like Richard Branson, be a risk taker or you should say trial & error. Without trying, you will not know if it works or not. Why want to restrict myself from getting to know other guys? Why want to waste my time on someone who gives me up cause of his own problem? Anyway, I've been really happy for these past 2 weeks, or I should say after knowing this 'somebody'. He has been there for me when I needed him. Chat on Facebook during his work and also on sms during his off days/leaves. Wooo... Woo... Die!!! I've just came to realize that I've spent about CHF 10 in 4 days time just playing sms with him le.. But.. It's really sweet of him.. Will treat him as friend at the moment and see how things come when we really get to know. Really 'unknown' to me now.. Haha..

Come to realize

What do I believe in? Very good question. Trust? Honesty? Sincerity? I think the most important is to believe in yourself. This world is too huge. Too many people. So many things happening and yet you can only choose to accept one. It's difficult being on the fance. However, after what I've gone through, I've come to the sense that family and friends is my answer. Family especially parents will always be there no matter what happens. No matter how low you've dropped, they will support and guide you back. In simple, they are the main motivator. I cannot agree more than I have been blessed with a good family with a simple life style. I cannot thank the God much for giving me to such mother who nags for the good of her children and never gives up, and a very understanding father and husband. Cannot deny the fact that my mom has the luck. Will I have one myself too? Anyway, the other believe is friends. I mean by true friends. Not those who are there when you have the fame and drags you to the drain when you're in shit. I would also want to thank God for the friends I have around me now (except for back stabbers). Those like my Gangz whom I knew since beginning in secondary school, my friends all around the world from AFS, friends from college & Sunway Hotel (inclusive of AM & managers of different departments), and not to forget my friends in my BBA course too have been giving me lots of support. When I come to flash back, how can I not see all these in the past month? Just because of a person, I want to stop my life? I banned my fun time? FUCK!! NO!!! What for? I should learn to accept changes because things and people around us changes from day-to-day and time-to-time. I've finally give up on being so stuborn. I should let go. If thing is mine, it'll come back in the future. If it doesn't comes back, it has never been mine since the start. Which means it will come to an end sooner or later. So, why not sooner rather than suffering even worst later? Emotion hitted me again this week. Was still as bad as ever. But I've stonned my heart on it. I will continue freezing it from now on. Anyhow, really thank Jesson (unknown friend of mine). He has been here for me all the time talking with him during his work (over night), and on sms too when he's free. If I txt him and there's no reply, that can be either he's sleeping, or he's too busy at work. He has been very nice with me since beginning even though I don't know him. Will open up myself to know more people so that I can really see is 'HE' still the right one or there is someone else out there who's worth having me better than 'HIM'. No doubt the love I have for 'HIM' will fade. But if it is NOT mine, I will force myself in doing whatever it takes to forget about 'HIM'.

It's time to bottle up and leave it behind

Everything that I've gone through for the past 2 months is not very good. Can say till now, I still don't know what am I doing. Missing him a lot.. Still hoping for things to get back to normal.. But all is done and over. I know it from inside my heart. I'm cheating myself telling we still have hope, we still have chance. All this is just a lie to make myself feel comfortable. His sms to me when I enter the KLIA departure gate to trust him that he will wait for me and promised that he will wait, has always been the motivation message for me since I went through that departure gate till today where I am now. However, now is the time to bottle it up and leave it behind. Whatever he has said that he is different from Shan or those in Sunway is not what I can see. Same thing. After getting what they want and 'bye bye' is what they say. I know he doesn't like me writting about him here. But sorry to say, this is me. I'm not trying to talk bad things about him, neither am I trying to contaminating him here. All I want to say is clearly stated on my headline.

My love for him will never change. However, I don't want to live in a misserable life here crying day & night, or I should say whenever he pops into my mind and he is back there enjoying his life happily. I choose to ignore everything that he does back there and hears no news about him anymore. I choose to hate myself for loving him before but I will learn to smile at him when I see him next year and thank him for being in my life once for those happy memories that he has given me before I leave to Switzerland. Anybody who needs a bottle of bitter medicine, can always come and get from me. I have a huge bottle here. People who needs love consulting, to be advice not to come looking for me as I have failed in mine and I don't want to make people fail in theirs too like me. I will try to stay away from him as much as I could. He have his friends in Sunway, I will try not to go there often when I get back. Even if I were to go, I'll make sure I turn and walk the opposite way when I see him around the corner. I do agree and yet I'm still believing that life without him with me is meaningless. But, life without myself is worst. So I'll need to stand strong myself before I can be a supporter to that person.

"Goodbye my beloved dear.. It's time to continue my life and leave our so called planned future and hope behind.. You know where I am whenever you want to come back, I'm always open for you. Hopefully, this will be the last blog that I'll write about you. Enjoy your life and stay happy. That's all I want to see from you. My love for you is bottled up, but not thrown away. It will always sit in the same place as to where you have left it for you to open it back. Love you always.."