Just accept the fucking fact!!!

I'm starting to get piss of with myself now.. I don't know how long should I continue with this life.. Simply just couldn't let go of something that has been over for fucking centuries ago.. Come on!! Get a life... He has moved on is now with another 'ONE'.. What the hell am I thinking? Why the fuck am I still feeling so fucking down? He's not mine anymore!! Aaarrgghhhh!!!!!

I can't believe choosing to come back and getting back with him is such a wrong wrong option for me.. I guess on the dya when I came back if I'm not in contact with him no matter how he msg me, I shouldn't and will not ended up with what I am now.. This is all my fault!!!

My heart is too numbed to accept another guy.. Neither is it ready for another new person to enter.. Or I should say cannot enter at all.. Perhaps his place in me is still strongly there.. No matter how much I've ignored it in days, months or centuries, I can never seem to get rid of it.. Hearing him being able to move on without problem, it does sounds great.. BUt at the same time, I feel the pain in my heart.. Very very deep cut.. I don't know why.. It's something which I can never explain till now..

The Scar Is Opened Once More

Late I don't know what has gotten into me. All I could think about when I have nothing else to do is all about him. Have I not let go of it? I feel like a fool now. How long has it been? From the time you've made your promise to wait, was our official goodbye. It is a year. Yet I've still haven't get over it?

Again second time allowing your love to hurt me? I've done it. And it has now caused the scar you have once left on me to have re-open back. This time, it is more serious. How can I let you come back into my life so easily and it seems so difficult to let you go now? Another gf?

Happily you can be with another girl there but ignored mine? How can all that I've done turned into waste? Yet I still have the urge to want-to-help everytime when I heard you are in trouble.

It's Just Feels Like It Was Yesterday

How funny when you thought you have finally done and over with something, but when you happen to be back in that very same place, every memories of it runs through in your mind like it just happened yesterday..

Standing there has brought back the memory when you were standing there in front of me bidding goodbye, made the promise that you will be waiting back here and support me in every way. All these pleasant memories was just seems like yesterday when I was about to leave.. But just a blink of eyes, everything turned 180 degrees. From a sweet memory to a sour memory.. From a good memory to a rotten memeory.. Everything you have given there and then, has been taken all away with just a snap of your fingers. I wonder how and why?

I admit, I couldn't hold back my tears. I couldn't fight back my emotions. I was weak. And so I let you defeated me once more. The scar in my heart was once again opened. Hurt so painful that I don't know how to describ and I don't think anyone in this world would understand how deep it felt. I may sound stupid on it. But once you are in my situation. Things might just be the same to most of you out there as well.. As it was being said, love is blind. And I've blinded mine from the very day I knew you.

My Volcano

Been back from a foreign country for a long, long time. 7 months now. I do agree it does feels long. Many things (problems) came and gone.. However, there is one that came and had not leave until now. I thought it has all been thrown away and I'm totally cleaned off with it. But as time goes, it seems like I'm over confidence. Too confident in fact.

What I wish while being away was a impossible wish. But it did came through for just awhile. Sweet memories of it. However, this sweet memories with it did not last as I've expected. Once again, it came back to me, but left once more. It killed my heart for the second time now.

No matter how foolishly I made my wish now and then, knowing it will never and can never come again, yet I'm still holding on the hope of that wish. Realizing how foolishly myself had been last time, is now, and will be in the near future, hatred did not come to me on this. No matter how painful it is, I'm still not giving up on myself to continuously.. (could not find words to put in)

I'm not as taugh as you can see with your naked eyes. I'm still human and I'm still a girl with feelings. In this period of time being away, I did learnt to control myself. To not show my emotions to people no matter what. Neither have I spoken to anyone regarding about it and I don't think I will ever want to talk about it.

Feeling is undescribable. No words you can use to say it out in order for the other person to understand or feel what you have gone through, and is going through. People says understand how I feel, what I'm going through, those are bullshits!! Nobody knows how deep that the knife went into my heart, except for myself. I admit, neither will I understand or feel another person's feeling when they tell me especially everything that has to do with the word 'PAIN'.