Missing you suddenly

I don't know what has got into me. Every month facing the same problem. How and when am I going to get use to it and not allowing myself to drop a single tears just because of you anymore? That's what I use to say, problem is not on anyone. Is just me. I am the problem.

Everything about you seem to be just yesterday that it happened. The pain was there a year ago, but it seems like it is still fresh. I have been alone for the past 17 months without you by my side, but it just seems like you were just next to me yesterday and just left today. The pain, the scar & the madness in me, felt so real.

Sitting alone lately, your shadow (not image) just flew pass my mind. I thought I saw you in the corner somewhere. But it wasn't you. Was just my imagination. How stupid of me?

Told people I was ok but in fact, I wasn't. Bluffed people & also myself. What's the point?

Last night was on the phone with Sayang and he scolded me on not letting go of you and causing myself in so much trouble and pain. I told him I'm done and over. But today, cried again. People told me I needed to find another person in order to replace you from my heart, but I don't know if that works or not. Trying out huh?

Poeple that I'm trying out with is like what I have mentioned in my previous blog. Have partner. I am the 3rd party!! What the FUCK?? I odn't want this to happen as I was at their place before and I know how painful it is when you lose someone you love. I don't want to be that kind of bitch. If I were to do so, that is call revenge. Not replacing.

3rd party?

I wonder how does it feels being a 3rd party in someone's relationship? Any guilty feeling or is it just wonderful cause you get to have somebody with you?

Many questions on my mind.. But no answers to it.. Do I really need to find it out myself? What will be the consequences if I do so? But the main question is "IS IT WRONG TO GO IN BETWEEN OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIP?" I mean relationship.. Not married life.. Just an ordinary going out or so called date (I suppose)..

Sometimes, when you have been hurt too much till you have lost your sense, you couldn't feel anymore what other people might feel.. The only focus in your mind will be "I wanna heal.. I wanna heal.. I wanna heal..." This is where people has lost their minds and caused problem for another couple.. Girls and guys are the same anyway.. This general statement applies to both gender.

Back to me, have I done something wrong? Must I continue or shall I put a full stop on it?